Purses and cell phones

I don't love carrying a purse.
It gets in the way in this
bag-your-own-groceries
country.
I happily set in on the driver's seat
of the van to load the groceries,
grateful to be rid of it for awhile.
The man was doing a funny sort of
sideways shuffle-walk as he headed
straight to the back seat of a waiting
car.
Wait....I had seen something like this
before, and that time, a woman's purse
was stolen. And now it was mine.
Although I don't like carrying it, I do need it...
and the things that I carry in it.
I immediately asked my friend Andria
if she had her cell phone with her.
I borrowed it and called my phone.
Hallo? the Russian phone greeting.
YOU JUST STOLE MY PURSE
AND I WANT IT BACK RIGHT
NOW! (The panicked American
lady telephone greeting...when a Russian man
answers her recently stolen phone).
Okay he says. You can have it back.
Everything except the money.
I SAW YOU GET INTO A BLACK CAR
AND I NEED MY PURSE BACK
RIGHT NOW.
We are the Russian Mafia he says.
We're very organized. Don't try to follow us.
Ponyatna (Understood) I respond, although
I find it a bit hilarious that he thinks that I would
believe the Russian mafia steals purses off
of car seats! He hangs up. I wait about a
minute and with Andria's nearly-dead-battery
phone, I ring my phone again. Now he yells...
DON'T CALL THIS PHONE AGAIN OR
I WILL TURN IT OFF AND YOU'LL
GET NOTHING BACK!
Okay, I say, but I need my purse
(and my passport, driver's license, my
credit cards, my pictures of my kids, etc.).
WAIT THERE. Okay, but how long do
I have to wait? THREE MINUTES. Click.
And so I wait....the Nice Man who was unfortunate
enough to park next to me arrives at his car.
Excuse me, can you move your groceries miss?
I'd like to leave. Okay, but someone just
stole my purse and he said he'd give it
back, but he hasn't and......blah, blah, blah.
Nice Man looks at me like I may perhaps be crazy.
Just then...Riinngg! Mafia Man says,
Josephina, Josephina (obviously he has looked
at my passport). Give the phone to someone who speaks
Russian better than you--you won't understand me.
(He was right). I plead with Nice Man to help
and he agrees. Da-pause. Da-pause. Da-click.
You need to come with me says Nice Man.
Okay...we throw three carts of food into
my van, not paying attention to the fact that
Andria needs somewhere to sit. She ends up
behind me, in the spot the 2 year old usually
sits...luckily not in his car seat though.
Ladies...be calm. Do not get in an accident.
Just follow me. Good advice from Nice Man.
We follow...out of the parking lot....across the
bridge over the Moscow River (which is really
a canal, but that's not part of this story).
We turn and follow Nice Man into a Small Alley with
a Small Parking Lot at the end. He stops his
car and gets out. My eyes scan for Mafia Man's
car but I don't see it. I get out and follow Nice Man.
I am oblivious to the fact that Andria has decided
Nice Man and Mafia Man are buddies. She is
certain I will be beaten or worse in the bushes
I am heading for at the corner
of the parking lot. She tries to open her door.
It's automatic and therefore confusing.
Which button is it? She pushes them all and
then tries to force it open. It has a child lock
and cannot be opened from the inside.
She is holding two cases of canned beans on her lap, but decides to toss
them aside and come save my life. She does this by climbing through
the front seats and out the driver's door.
Meanwhile, I, along with Nice Man have
searched the bushes in the
corner of the Scary Parking Lot and
discovered many bags. Most of them are garbage,
but one....it's a lovely imitation
(yeah, totally fake...purchased in Egypt or Thailand or China ...can't remember)
Coach bag.
In it are my passport, my wallet
(minus 7000 rubles and 20 euro),
and random bits of other things.
Yes the money is gone and so is my gum,
which made the trek across the US, the Atlantic, and the European continent.
Only to be stolen by Mafia Man.
My cell phone is also missing.
Spaceba, Spaceba, Spaceba....Andria approaches us and offers
Nice Man 1000 rubles. He refuses and says
Ladies.
You.
Are.
In.
Russia.
Be Careful.
Pay Attention.
We promise and head on our way with
many more spacebas.
We try to call Mafia Man.
We try to call Jeff.
We try to call Andria's husband.
We try to send text messages.
The almost dead cell phone battery is now dead.
We are stuck in traffic and keep repeating,
Can you believe that happened??
Can you believe we got it back!?
She tells me about being trapped in the
car and we laugh and wish we had a video of it.
RRIIINNGG!
the dead cell phone is alive.
Josephina, Josephina! Did you find your
purse? Yes.
What else did you steal from me besides my phone
my money and MY GUM?? Laughter.
He is friendly and apologizes many times.
He says he wants to return my phone
(but not my gum or money).
He will call again tonight to tell me where he stashed it.
I tell him to call my husband. His number is in my phone--the one you have. Jeff Cell. Jeff Cell.
Okay, okay. Sorry again for how this turned out Mafia Man says.
We finally get home and run inside to call Jeff. I tell him to call my phone
because Mafia Man will only answer if the caller ID
says Jeff Cell. He says I will have Galina (his superwoman secretary) call.
Galina is livid. She says she will have BeeLine security
track my phone and they will beat him up.
Andria is aghast and thinks we should call Mafia Man and tell him to ditch
the phone, the BeeLine security thugs are after him.
He did answer and give back the really important stuff
(minus my American GUM!!). Turns out
they can't find him. He's switched it off, and
if he did intend to return it
he can't now. There is a PIN code to turn it back on.

Alas....I guess I'll start using that iPhone I got last October.
Oh...good thing I speak a little Russian now huh?